


A Series of Decreasingly Appropriate Letters betwixt Messrs. Moony and Prongs, circa 1977

by blimeyharri (professorcockblock), cosmicarol



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-28
Updated: 2011-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-26 15:06:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professorcockblock/pseuds/blimeyharri, https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicarol/pseuds/cosmicarol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roleplay archives. Focusing on Remus/Sirius, side mentions of James/Lily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Series of Decreasingly Appropriate Letters betwixt Messrs. Moony and Prongs, circa 1977

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Moony to my Prongs](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Moony+to+my+Prongs).



> The catastrophic results of too much time, too few hobbies, and a transatlantic friendship.

Dearest Remus,

In response to your threat about removing silencing charms at bedtime, I would like to remind you that such a thing necessitates the pre-existing use of those charms in the first place, and if you are in any doubt as to the absence of such charms then I am more than willing to give a guided tour of the innumerable years of mental scarring. Were you aware of the score-chart that our poor, naïve Wormtail drew up in fourth year proposing that since you two were clearly “fighting” so much, we might as well take bets on what the dispute was about and who was likely to be winning. For the record, Moony, I always chose you. And judging by those horrible strangled, whimpery noises that Padfoot does insist on making with such frequency and vehemence (please note aforementioned mental scarring for reference on this matter) – and really Remus, is that what goes for attractive these days?! He sounds like he’s dying a bloody and horrible death – I can only assume that it was by and large a safe bet.

Prongs

 

 

Darlingest James,

Compliments, Prongs, for your superb and quite accurate imitation of Padfoot in 'distress'. I must say, for someone that is supposedly so bothered by it, you seem to know exactly how Padfoot likes it. I would also like to acknowledge your flattery and, indeed, I always win. Just to make things clear, you’ve had his fair share of dying noises on certain nights. Especially when a particular redhead has decided to wear a tight blouse that day. Really, it sounds like you're chocking a chicken underwater.

Remus

 

 

Moony,

Pah! Ill-founded aspersions on my botheredness aside, I must point out that the large majority of the castle knows how Padfoot likes it. That is what happens when said hasty and inattentive approach to silencing charms finds itself coupled with what can only be described as an ostentatious voyeurism that I hope with all my soul can blamed exclusively on Sirius. Besides which, my chocking chicken noises are both extremely manly and endlessly sexy. As I am sure you well know since I have no doubt that your extensive knowledge of my red-head-induced noises comes from hard study and covetousness on those cold, lonely, Padfootless nights. Terrible Remus, really. Although one can hardly blame you; it is to the heartbreak and despair of the wizarding world at large that such a dashing, handsome, and frankly shaggable specimen as myself has betrothed my sizable (hehe) gifts to another.  
Oh, and please accept my deepest and most grovelling of apologies for the tardiness of this reply. It cannot be helped that my popularity is almost as large as Snivellus’ nose. Well… that and the fact that I forgot.

Prongs

 

 

James,

Sirius says he'd give you one but only IF you learn how to scream like a man and not a girl. Honestly, I sometimes think Lily is male in your nonexistent relationship (which also reminds me of the way you say her name in the throes of self-pleasure passion. It's worse than Moaning Myrtle...) As much I like to explore the dark magic that is my sex life, the Wizarding and Muggle worlds cry in unison upon realizing they will never have a chance with such a fine, well formed, and definitely shaggable specimen as yourself. I would like to add that I will not tolerate your new habit of giving Sirius googly eyes. That rear end is mine. Literally. Every night. Ah, sorry... Blame the amount of innuendo on the full moon?  
Grovel and plea, you are forgiven. Provided you have not moved on and found yourself another quiet and retiring bookish type to replace me.

Moony

 

 

Remus,

You talk like he hasn’t already. All those long, hot, sweaty summer months sharing a house together, and you know me and my penchant for a good Ancient and Most Noble Pounding. Inevitable really. Yep, me and Black are going to take the wizarding world by storm, united by our mutual loves of explosives, ill-conceived plans to expel and/or maim Slytherins, and of course gangly-limbed bottom shagging. First gay auror team. Oh how the women will swoon. Not that we will notice of course, we shall be far too busy with the bottom stuff.  
All comments on the non-existence of my darkly intense and horribly romantic relationship with Lily will be hereby stricken from the record because I will not acknowledge them and refuse to respond to such slander.  
Oh Moony Moony, how could I ever move on from you? You know that all those others are naught but whores and concubines in my endless harem of suitors. But you, Lupin? You are my Queen.  
I would like to add that having reviewed this message prior to sending it, I have realized that prolonged exposure to you heathen man-shaggers has removed all traces of the Potter patented masculinity and virility. I am now no better than a Pettigrew or a Longbottom, you have ruined me for all time. It is a terrible loss for humanity.

Prongs

 

 

James

You wouldn't know what a good pounding feels like even if you were getting one. Besides, Sirius knows I can make his wildest fantasies come true, even the great heir to the Buttsex throne cannot resist my awkward charm. You two will make a fine pair, the Super G's will be your name. Sirius has always wanted a sister. Oh...wait, you'd two will be shagging. May I remind you two to not do anything public. Just rough it up a bit, he likes that. And James, don't cry afterwards. It really is pathetic.  
I would also like to point out the fact that SNAPE gets more action from Lily than you ever will. I don't want you to cause a scene but I've seen them around....really close together. I will tell you now to get your ass off MY boyfriend and solve this.  
Oh please, we all know you are a cute little bottom underneath it all, Potter.

Moony

 

 

Moony,

And that is something for which I am endlessly grateful for on a daily basis. Despite the insurmountable respect I have for your awkward charms, Lupin, it strikes me that Sirius’ wildest fantasies are likely the stuff of most peoples nightmares. How you indulge him so when we always supposed that your own kinks lay in far more innocent pursuits - parchment snogging and the suchlike – is beyond us. Well, Wormtail thought so anyway, I always secretly suspected that you were a dirty bastard underneath all that feigned innocence.  
YOU remind ME not to debauch Sirius in public!? THAT’S A BIT BLOODY RICH, REMUS JOHN LUPIN, YOU SAUCY CURR!  
You’re the one that’s good with people and not being an idiot and plans and stuff, where are you when I need you most!? Arsing about doing prefect shit is where you are, sending your best mates increasingly inappropriate messages proposing poundings from your own boyfriend is where you are, on your bloody knees in the bloody 4th floor bloody charms classroom is where you bloody are, Remus! You should be utilising your innumerable talents on cursing Snivellus’s cock to shrivel up and fall off (assuming that it hasn’t already, and let us hope and pray that for the good of the nation it has), not wasting them on indulging Sirius ‘Wouldn’t-It-Be-A-Brilliant-Idea-To-Charm-All-Of Peters-Robes-Purple-No-Honestly-He’ll-Think-It’s-Hilarious-He-Definitely-Won’t-Put-Dungbombs-In-Your-Shoes-And-Trifle-In-Your-Pants-In-Retaliation-Don’t-Be-So-Silly-James’ Black’s insatiable libido. I don’t know how to solve it, Remus! I am so woe betide; lamented and lovesick and all that. You wouldn’t understand. What does she even want me to do!? What do I have to blow up to get her to like me, Moony?!

Prongs

PS, Let it be known for now and all times that James Potter’s are NOT bottoms.

 

 

My Dear Prongs,

You underestimate the real Sirius Black. His fantasies are that of a virgin. Wait, what has he made YOU do? Oh no, don't tell me he made you do crude? Terrible. As for your claims of me being a dirty bastard, all I have to say is that you will never truly find out. Unless you happen to also be gay and decide that a threesome is in order. But that just wouldn't be such a great turn on, especially if you start crying again afterwards. Pathetic.  
I DO NOT DEBAUCH SIRIUS IN PUBLIC! I have no idea where this accusation is coming from. The only type of debauchery I have ever indulged is the back massage in the common and that was NOT sexual in any way! These letters aren't meant to make you WANT a pounding, you idiot. AND...how do you know I'M the one that goes down on Sirius? How do you know he's not an obedient puppy when he's horny, so horny he can't think and instead listens to every single one of my demands? Potter, I think Sirius tricked you into being his bitch. You know how much he likes to be in control.  
Let the topic of Snapes cock be ignored forever, please. May I advise for you to stop being an idiot and treat Lily like a lady, not some random skirt you can stick your hand in? I believe that will work. At this rate, Sirius and I are having more sex than you ever will in your sorry lifetime.

Moony

P.S. James Potter's are definitely bottoms. The way you beg for it is really pitiful.

 

 

Remus,

Your dear Prongs resents being told about “The Real Sirius Black” when he is sure that he is cursed to be the only one on this earth who will ever truly understand the lunacy of the man. Ours is a bond beyond your simple exercise of carnal delights, public debauchery (which I maintain is an active part of your daily routine, backed up by insurmountable anecdotal evidence) and gooey-eyed unmanliness. And whilst where on the topic of unmanliness I DO NOT CRY AFTER SEX.  THIS IS A LIBELLOUS FALSEHOOD INVENTED BY THE FILTHY BRAGGARD WORMTAIL BECAUSE HE IS A TRACHEROUS BASTARD WITH NO RESPECT FOR HIS SUPERIORS. (Also because he was getting me back for writing Snivellus love letters signed from him every day for a week , although in all fairness I only did that to get him back for putting trifle in my pants. At any event it is a defamatory work of Pettigrew fiction, as well you know.) However, if I ever find myself waking up entangled in your stringy limbs, all covered in sweaty bed sheets, a snoring Sirius, and the smell of sex, I will admit that it is more than likely that I will suffer a comprehensive breakdown and that there may well be tears after all. Hey, girls like tears! Girls like emotional men, right? WHAT IF I CRY FOR LILY! Foolproof.  
Aaaaaaahhhhh, Moony you are a dastardly fucker who is trying to mentally scar me with your sexual imagery! Make it stop, make it stop! Or else I’ll start in about all the lovely, hetrosexual fornication that us proper men get up to. All boobs and thighs and freckles and spitfire hair and milky skin and the adorable frowny lines she gets when she’s mad and the way she smells like the quidditch pitch after rain and how her eyes do this excellent glittery thing just before she hexes your underwear half way up your arse and how she always knows EVERYTHING except from sometimes she doesn’t because she’s muggleborn, and isn’t that just bloody brilliant!? Because then when you tell her about garden gnomes she actually listens, she really does, and she laughs when you tell her that Sirius says it would be a grand idea to teach them all to swear, and she goes to bed that night without remembering to tell you that she hates you, and-…. I’m sorry what were we talking about? Oh yes. Boobs and stuff. Vaginas and the suchlike. Yes. That.  
Remus, you and Sirius are having more sex that ANYONE will have in their lifetimes, I’m surprised you’re not chaffing by now... Please do not misinterpret that as an invitation to enlighten me on your chaffing, by the way.  
And any begging that may or may not be made in the throes of passion with yourself and/or Mr Black is most assuredly only me begging to be allowed to go back to my own bed, stuff one of your overabundant jumpers into each ear, and attempt to block out said throes of passion. And once again we have landed on the merits of the proper use of silencing charms.

Prongs

 

 

Dear Prongs,

Thank you for taking my clothes away after the full moon. I'm sure the world wanted to see my very manly and beastly cock. Although you didn't achieve your voyeuristic goal of getting to see me have sex with Sirius. Speaking of which, YOU DO CRY AFTER SEX. Well, you cry after wanking. I don't know if it's because you wanked to hard or the sad realization that Sirius is pounding me into the mattress while you wank. Don't drag Peter's fiction into this, now, he is a good sort.  
I don't know if I should be mortified or amused about you crying in front of Lily. I think she'd like to see you drown before anything else.  
Proper men? Proper? Oh please, you weren't referring to yourself there, were you? Peter is better a man than you are. SHE MADE YOUR UNDERWEAR GO UP YOUR ARSE? See, IT ALL COMES BACK TO YOU BEING VERY UNMANLY.  
Well, you wouldn't know how often we have sex. Unless you secretly spy on us, watch like a crazy pervert, then run to the loo to get a glass of water when there a cup on your nightstand (btw, I wouldn’t...put anything on it, if I were you. We didn't clean it after...). The chaffing....you see, there's creams for that. Before he goes in, he point his--um, we'll get to that when you're ready.  
It all starts with the lack of silencing charms.

Remus

 

 

Dearest, sweetest, sexiest Moony

Indeed, the world aches to see your beastly cock almost as much as I do, for you know that I am wracked with jealousy over Padfoots’ nightly abuses of your fine, gentlemanly form. You have found me out, Moony, it was only a matter of time. I weep for your arse, I pine for your cock, I perish for you hairy ballsack. Oh Remus, oh Moony, oh Lupin!  Ditch the dog and get yourself a real man, one that will not slobber on your face (unless of course you request it, my Adonis.) You can keep me warm for the future Mrs Potter. And on the subject of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, yes she did make my underwear go up my arse. It was terribly emasculating and will require endless night of tender and attentive shagging for you to rid me of the memories, darling.  
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY NIGHTSTAND, YOU HIDEOUS EXCUSE FOR A MAN. Gods, I expect it from Black, he is clearly deprived past the point of holding anything sacred – nightstands or otherwise – but you, Remus, you continue to shock me. When we run away together leaving Sirius to make do with nothing but Wormtail’s plump buttocks for company (after much encouragement and subtle bribery we will of course have talked Peter into taking this one for the team. He won’t be happy about it, but we’ll raid the kitchens to make it up to him. We’ll bring him lots of toast, you know how the man loves his toast), I will endeavour to find the depths of your own depravity. Clearly ours is a love bound to be consummated in ways too filthy and frantic to comprehend. And then once I have worn you out with my legendary stamina and whispered sweet nothings into your ear ‘till the clock strikes midnight, I will take m’lady (did I mention that we kidnap Evans as part of the plan? I’d hoped it was obvious) and depart in the dead of night for sandy shores and lifetime of sex. You’ll be left with nothing but the memory of a real man and the infallible knowledge that I am far better shag thanSirius.

Yours always and forever,

James Potter, sexual deviant


End file.
